Boston is so great, I really wouldn't mind living here. Except for being so far from family. I've noticed something new about myself, I really find most people annoying. I don't have much patience for them, I hope it isn't obvious. How do I keep my head straight? I woke up tired today, and it's October. How did this happen? I need to take my life back, its getting to be too busy. It doesn't matter what other people do or say, its just their own dramas playing out. I just need to breathe and let it pass me like a breeze, it will pass. I want to be an initiator, I want to make plans, live my life now! I need to stop waiting for that green light, stop spending time anticipating living. I want to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the next ten years and read it everyday: #1 STOP MAKING SO MANY DAMN LISTS!! I just have to let life happen, and roll in it. I only have today for one day, I only have this moment for this moment....life is short.

I'm always bad with journals...I forget to write, getting so caught up in the moment. Things are going great right now. I've found my little niche here at Bridgewater. I spent the whole weekend with friends, just talking and listening to music, searching for Halloween costumes and going out to eat. I'm learning how to play guitar and I'm surprising myself with what I can do. I didn't know I could play, but it came really naturally. I guess because I was surrounded by music my whole life it just became a part of me. Focusing on myself has been so refreshing, I've made progress in my pursuit of just living. My life is so different than it was just a few weeks ago. New friends, new home, new loves...and I'm rolling in it. I love starting over, maybe too much. Being here is strange, because I know that I'm not here for good...so I can't become dependent on anything here. I know that it will all go away, I'm coming home in May. I think its helping me to keep my codependancy in check, but I hope I don't miss out because I refuse to jump in head first. Right now, I don't really care, I'm just glad to be me.

So I went to the drum circle...haha. It was funny actually. I really liked that they were trying to care about the environment, but was dissapointed when I talked to them about starting up recycling drop-offs on campus and they said they were more concerned with "police oppression." This issue obviously has a lot to do with the condition of our environment today...whatever. Is it really necessary to smell bad, never wash your hair, and dileberately dress like your homeless to care about the environment or social issues? I say no. These kids were more concerned with flipping off and yelling at every cop car that drove by then talking about what we could do to make this world a little better. But...there is something good to this story. Some random kid walked up to get free stew (they were serving free vegan stew) and ended up being pretty fun and cool. So yay for new friends :)

It's strange to not be dating someone. I haven't been single since I was about 15. It's nice to be just living my life for me, but it's weird not to have that one person that you call and who knows everything about you, and who you can just be with. I guess I'm that for myself now, it's terrifying and freeing at the same time. Half of me is really sad and the other half is so happy that I'm focusing on myself. I know this will make me strong in the long run. Letting go of the past has been the biggest challenge in my life, I just don't know how to do it. I can't let go of things, I'm terrified I'll never feel that good again. I went to a magnet arts middle school which was one of the happiest times of my life, when I moved on to high school I was miserable because I kept comparing it to the good times I had. I would only hang out with friends from middle school, it ruined high school for me, I never met anyone or made new friends. I don't want to do the same thing now. Another one of the best times of my life was when I met Sean and Ben, and the four of us, (including Ori) would hang out together, we were a family. But then everything fell apart, and I haven't been able to move on. I hope that this trip will help me find closure. I've been sad for a really long time, months, feeling alone in my own home like my ability to live for me was taken away. I've been so desperate to find that ultimate happiness, but the more I want it the farther away it is. I guess there's times in your life where you don't get to choose what's going to happen, and all you can do is accept it. Acceptance is something I've yet to learn.

The last two days have been crazy! I started school yesterday and I'm in pain from dancing. I have a headache today, I think from all the handstands they made us do in dance. I had a little break down yesterday, feeling a little homesick because I didn't know very many people, but my roomates are great girls and it helped to spend some time with them. They went out to the local bar lastnight and came home drunk and loud. Luckily I can sleep through a lot so I didn't here anything, but I guess they kept up everyone else in our suite. That's college for ya. I was feeling a little lonely today, and like I wasn't finding people that I really connected with, so I went to this school BBQ and awkwardly introduced myself to people. It was uncomfortable yet strangely refreshing not to care that people thought I was weird. What's funny is I sat down to eat, and happen to sit down next to this guy named Mike, who apparently was the kid that was supposed to take my place at PSU through the exchange program but couldn't get the money together to go. So that was really weird, I'm here because he wanted to go to PSU. Anyways, he's also the president of the environmental club (go figure) and invited me to a "drum circle" tomorrow night. Coming from a true environmental city, it should be pretty interesting, I don't really care what it's like, I'm just excited to meet people who are socially conscience who I can talk to on my level. It's weird, they don't have recylcing here!! Maybe the group can do something about that.
I've found that the dance program here is good, but not great, I'm one of the better dancers and I was hoping to be REALLY challenged so I'm a little disappointed. But I know that no matter what the situation there's always something to be learned, so I'm keeping my mind open. I'm thinking of taking classes in Boston on weekends to get that extra push I wanted. I have a completely different relationship with dance now that I'm older and have taken some time away from it. A lot of the girls who come to dance here are those same girls who care more about being pretty and telling everyone they're a dancer than they do about the process and individual relationship with their body. I used to be one of those girls but I'm done with that bullshit now. I think it all comes from being self-conscious and afraid of being judged. It takes a lot to be so vulnerable and let go of all that, but I know it will pay off. Anyways, I'm going to go practice those handstands so I can get the choreography in my body (I suck at handstands right now.) I'll talk to you soon. Oh yeah, and my address is:

2B3/Great Hill Student Apartments
Bridgewater State College
Bridgewater, MA 02325

Feel free to write if you'd like to. Love you all!!

Nat

Well, after a fun week in a hotel seeing the sights of Boston I am about to sleep for the first time in my dorm room. I'm almost done unpacking and exhausted because I haven't stopped moving since mom dropped me off. My roomates are super fun, we bonded over trying to avoid the creepy guy who lives across from us. It's just now hitting me, while getting ready for bed how far away I really am. Everything that has been comfortable for me, my boyfriend, my family, my apartment is replaced with new foreign things. I'm scared and at the same time rolling in it. I'll be sending pictures as soon as I can so you can all see my room :) Anyways, I guess I'm off to bed!! Love you all.

Nat out.

Hello everyone! I started this blog so that I could keep you all updated on my life at Bridgewater State College, and share all my great experiences with you. Well, right now I'm getting ready to move. It's hard to believe the time to leave is almost here. There's still lots to do but I'm so excited for the upcoming school year. I've already made good friends with my roomate and we've been e-mailing each other. My room is a mess (as usual!) so it's going to be a tough couple of days to get everything together. I'm off to bed so I can get a good start in the morning!

Love,

Nat